The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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