you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
