worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
