I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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