I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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