So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
