nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
