I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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