Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
And then my night got REAL pukey
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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