I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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