Soap is not a condiment
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
