Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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