my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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