I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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