i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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