I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
