i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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