i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
