I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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