my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
