I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize