i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
im about as happy as oj after his trial
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
