Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
