Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Randomize
