I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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