Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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