Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize