My nipple is on Facebook.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
