Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
