I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
