I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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