Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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