Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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