You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
