I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize