I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
