Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
