I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
