Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
