i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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