Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
