I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I pour the whiskey from now on
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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