Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
