You really coming over, don't trick.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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