I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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