I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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