I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
