K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
