i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I deserve this hangover.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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