You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
