She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
