My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
