so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
