i permit you to call me
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
