I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
