i jhust puked up my retainher.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize