ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
