I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
