Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
