why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
